Why I Will Never Be Heroin Addict – or – How I Paid for a Couch in Blood.

I’m not a heroin addict – and indeed have never tried using it – and it is not due to the obvious reasons (ex. it is stupid). It’s because I am horrendously afraid of needles.

I’m sure from time to time I may talk about my insane hypothyroidism. I may even discuss my general phobia of medical procedures – and regular appointments fall under that category – and my overall wussiness when it comes to doctor appointments. How back pain sucks, etc. etc. etc. However, the Mac Daddy of all my issues, is a fear of needles.

I mention this as I ride the unmedicated high of having just gotten a blood test. Yep. That’s right. I just went and got a blood test, on the fly, without medication. I am a badass.

I’ll tell you that this is a very frustrating phobia. It prevents me from getting acupuncture, which I heartily endorse from having seen how much it helps loved ones (and this includes my dog – which is a whole other post for another day). It makes me wait way too long to go to the dentist. And it makes me very frustrated with every one around me who just doesn’t get it. All of my life I have been asked, “What about it actually bothers you?” My answer is usually, “Why doesn’t it bother you [you moron/idiot/condescending jackass]?”

I really can’t conceive of anyone being comfortable with having a metal rod stuck in their vein. I have a high pain threshold. I’ve put my hand inside wounds on a pet that was clear down to the bone. I’m amazingly cool under pressure and super-fantastic in a crisis – which includes people around me having medical emergencies themselves. But come towards me with a needle and I’m more than likely not going to handle it well. A couple of truly bad experiences (inept people who prodded for a vein way too long, poked my arm twice with no results, then discussed in front of me going in through the hand which prompted me to get up and get the hell out of there) pushed me into the realm of needing anti-anxiety drugs to even consider getting blood drawn. This complicates the issue even more since then you have to enlist someone to actually drive you to your appointment like a child, and then have to take an entire day off from work. So it is a huge relief to me that I am back to taking a test without drugs. The key seems to be the last minute-ness of it and not having enough time to panic. Maybe. Also, the phlebotomist at the place I am currently going to is very good.

Anyway, I have yet another appointment with my endocrinologist to check on my thyroid at the end of this week. Yawn. I’m not in a good place right now thinking about how I have never been fully well since being diagnosed with hypothyroidism when I was 26 (yep, that is 17 years of fun with the thyroid gland). I’ve kind of given up on it improving and am just trying to be happy with things the way they stand health wise (I’m trying). The appointment is really just to keep me in drugs so that things don’t get worse. The thing is that there is no getting out of the blood test come appointment time. I have already rescheduled this appointment once and was considering doing it again. But then I just got it together and went for the test in an all-fired, last-minute rush today. This, I confess, was due to the work of my very crafty partner Mike.

We’ve been shopping for a couch as part of my studio revamp project. I found a couch I liked, but it was much more expensive than I felt comfortable with. So I offered to split the cost of the couch with him, and I would pay my half off to him in installments (guilt!). His counter offer was for him to pay for the whole thing if I would go get a blood test. So. That is how I paid for a couch in blood. What a whore. But wait till you see my couch! 3-4 weeks.


4 comments on “Why I Will Never Be Heroin Addict – or – How I Paid for a Couch in Blood.

  1. By “more than likely not going to handle it well” do you mean something like involuntary vomiting, yelling and/or having to be gassed?

    • To date how I have “handled” it so far: passing out; dry heaving; crying silently; crying hysterically; exiting the building before the test can be done; and being sent to the children’s wing to have blood drawn with the rest of the babies.

  2. Matt InItaly says:

    Wow, I love this! This is definitely your medium. And…yes, I will be available on Sunday, Big hug, Matt with Big News

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